THIS JUST IN!! --The same 32 year old man who ate a large burrito last week and Google Google this week has just declared that "...if you're going to be on the Supreme Court you really need to watch your step because people watch what you do. Even if you just wanted to go to dinner at someone's house...they could own a corporation..."

He is considering going for a phD in philosophy.

2006 vote for most-abused phrase (so far): OKAY EVERYBODY, STOP SAYING "THAT SAID".

It's like a zombie virus that claims one victim and turns him against his or her peers, searching for more victims - the weaker, the better. It's the written form of jumping off a bridge. Everyone's doing it - will you?

To (ab)use a phrase again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and it goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on anon anon anon anon anon anon anon anon anon anon anon anon anon anon anon anon is a crime that should be investigated by the LAW & ORDER: Elite Internet Task Force Division.

You say there isn't one? Damn, there ought to be. I could use to waste another hour.

Man's Mouth Hole Spewing Nonsense

This afternoon a 32 year old man Googled Google for the Google Desktop Search program. He was forced to use Google to find Google after his co-worker refused to help him find said application based on her opinion that even a total retard could figure it out. The Google search proved sucessful and prompted the man to comment on how downloading the application in another language would be a great way to learn some German or Chinese because the little headings would be in another language and you could figure it out. When his co-worker looked at him blankly he proceeded to talk about his cat's fleas.
2006 votes: shut your mouth if you're only going to say stupid things.

Duane Reade employees to dispense change correctly

Inside sources from the New York City-based convenience store giant report a drastic policy change in how they give you your change.

1) loose change
2) Bills
3) receipt (optional)

This is a near-reversal of the current system.

It is estimated that Duane Reade will shoulder an enormous financial burden in training their employees this new policy, but long term customer satisfaction is expected to pull the company back with a strong profit.

damn it.

2006 votes: That bitch done busted my balls again.

Man Karate Chopped

January 23, 2006--A man crossing York Avenue last night suffered no injuries by karate chopping taxi driver. Nat Damon jay-walked across York and cut off a yellow cab. When Nat displayed verbal aggression towards the cab the driver took off his seatbelt and confronted Nat.
Since no cab drivers can speak English he did what all short cab drivers do: kicked and chopped his hands in Nat's direction. Mr. Damon was able to swat away the small man's kung-fu moves with his right hand. When asked why he didn't use his left hand Mr. Damon said it was because it was too cold out and he had to keep it in his jacket pocket. Mr. Damon's jacket is filled with feather down, which is Mother Nature's insulation and very expensive. Within a couple minutes Mr. Damon was pulled away by his wife and left the cab driver tossing chops in the air. Nat later admitted that it was all his fault but offered no apology. The Damons have a new mmmnet.

For ticket information call 800-318-3082.

The breast will come into focus as a powerful and commanding presence in marketing, male fantasy, and low-risk mutual funds.

AdWeek Magazine reports a resurgence of interest in the dormant Alka Seltzer "I can't believe I ate the whole thing" campaign. Ed Morris decided to remain executive creative director of the London office of Interpublic Group's Lowe, the IPG shop has confirmed, solely on the new directive. From Revlon to Tonka, expect to see more and more of the female breast in '06.

Men, including gays and home-owners, are expected to spend more billable hours considering the many positive attributes of boobies than they did in '05. Larger corporations predict they will spend upwards of $2 billion dollars on this workplace intrusion. Not easily dissuaded, sales of computer monitor privacy screens are expected to climb by 80% in the first quarter.

When asked to comment on the expected influence breasts will have on the coming fiscal year, Suze Orman cupped her cans with her own hands and responded:

Can I ask you something? You don't use a Betamax to watch movies at home, do you? And your car isn't outfitted with an 8-track tape player, right? And I'm guessing the chances of you using a rotary phone are about as good as Ben Affleck having a hit flick these days.

Suze Orman has been called “a force in the world of personal finance” and a “one-woman financial advice powerhouse” by USA Today. She is the author of four consecutive New York Times bestsellers, including The Road to Wealth. 2006 votes: listen to her and try to look her in the eyes when she is speaking to you.

I Hate Your Face

2006 votes: You should choke self.

Actor Puts Fabled Vine to Test

In an unprecedented move, Carl Weathers (Predator, Rocky I, II, IV, Happy Gilmore) spent his new years eve under a golf-sized umbrella of misteltoe claiming he 'got a good deal on it' and 'couldn't pass up the opportunity to enjoy such a magical vine'. After the party Carl commented on how his umbrella went over.

'Well, it got a lot of attention, but i think, despite how good a deal I got on it, that mistletoe in general is full of shit. It didn't even get me close to some lips .... I even shared my stew with one particular lady ... Full of shit! I've had better luck with camel-toe'

Later, Tobias Funke was seen rifling through the trash where Carl had discarded his 'shitty' umbrella. Tobias 'thought [he] saw something shiny in there'

Carl declined to comment on Tobias' antics, but did agree that he'd also seen 'something shiny in there'.

2006 Votes: Mistletoe 'full of shit' If it's not working for Carl Weathers, who will it work for?

Mama Mia!

2,006 food critics declare: All Italians Love Pizza...a lot! Master Food Critic Maestro Freddy Coolidge says, "It's interesting because the word ailpal is often used to describe an ill friend, but in Italy it's Italian for pizza." On a side note, mmmet is the word for dog, but Italians never eat dogs.
What is the root of mmmet? Well, the "m" is shaped like the ballsac before most are noitered...yes, that's right, noitered. That's how they pronounce it. So 3 ballsacs, an 'e' because its the most popular letter in the English language, and then a 't' for the cross that we all bear. The canine was adorned with this namesake because dog barkwards is God.
Food critics across the globe are considering making dog food that tastes like pizza, or pizza that tastes like dog food. Whichever is cheaper.

Cleptos Unite!

2006 Votes: 'stealing' not getting enough of the spotlight.
People should steal more, and think less about the consequences. Robin Hood was a hero, wasn't he?

Don't F*ck with the LOTRS

2006 Year of the Hypothesis--Japan, not to be outdone by it's larger neighbor, China, has taken steps towards creating the world's first artificial mouse. Using the Scientific Method Japanese scientists plan to build a non-flammable mouse in response to defective glue traps. Critics are concerned how people will react in 2008, the next Year of the Mouse (Rat) as determined by the Chinese Zodiac. China declined to comment.

The Land of the Rising Sun is actually Japan, not China.

But Asian people DO in fact all look the same.

The 'better' mousetrap

2006 Votes: 'GET OVER IT PETA -- no one likes rodents anyway!' In recent letter from P.E.T.A., Velcro C.E.O., A. John Holton, was 'sternly encouraged' to abandon involvement in a new project to create a 'better, safer mouse trap'. More specifically, to create a 'snare who's effectiveness would not be diminished if said rodent were, perhaps, flaming'. Evidently our friends over at P.E.T.A. haven't seen this video

Defective Mouse Traps a Fire Hazard

On Saturday morning, January 21, 2006, Luciano Mares was burning brush in his backyard barbeque. As a bonus he found a dang mouse on a glue trap in his house. He was pleased -- mice were a nuisance, they'd been bothering him for some time, leaving droppings everywhere. Unlike bat droppings, which do not pertify and actually turn to dust, mouse droppings are like a bee's stinky poop (a bee's smelly feces)....and they were hard to get rid of!

This mouse, too, was resilient -- trapped but still moving. The glue was sticky; he couldn't pull the mouse off....so he did what any brush burning man would do...he tossed the mouse into the fire. The fire melted the glue and the dang mouse ran into the house and set it on fire. Authorities are looking into making glue traps safer for home use. Velcro and elastic are being considered.

Poultry Deserves What it Gets

Man living in 2006 declares he is happy we eat birds because they are not mammals. They lay eggs and do not milk their young. He is considering putting birds inside his poly-fill comforter to give it some weight. The comforter is not down-filled.

Pop Tart Riot!

2006 Votes: Burning Pop Tarts Smell Like Ass! World reknown toaster pastry manufacturer Kellogg's fails to provide sufficient instructions for preparing their tarts safely and without over-warming. In a somewhat related story, flaming mice will 'burn your whole shit down'.

neighbor to land of rising sun to create 'fake sun'

2006 votes: chinese scientists 'way ahead' in the race for artificial suns. here's proof

Slow Walkers Banned from NYC

New York, NY -- A 2006 court ruling decided this morning that slow walking people are no longer allowed in the city. Slow walkers are defined as the elderly, cripples, people pushing strollers and the non-walking babies inside, dogs on long retractable leashes, confused tourists, chatting women, the obese using stairs, and businesswomen wearing uncomfortable high heels and carrying several bags. Others can be added to this definition at any moment and with no notice or warning. Defiance of this law will result in double amputation.

Hooray for the downturn!

It's 2006. We're at war in at least two countries in the middle east. Our government openly admits to spying on us in violation of our (supposed) Constitutional rights. National, as well as personal, deficit and debt continues to amass at a frightening rate. Our income tax laws are incomprehensible and confiscatory. A ridiculous proportion of our population remains imprisoned. A global oil crisis looms, while oil companies reap unheard-of profits. The world now hates us. Major manufacturing sectors have announced lay-offs on a scale previously unknown, which is certainly the bellwether of further declining economic times. Our population is relatively dumb and getting moreso by the month. Any notion of free speech as envisioned by our founding fathers has been rendered a joke.

Anyone remember when the worst thing going on in our country was when the President doled out a facial to some tubby staffer? It doesn't seem so bad in retrospect, does it?

www.myspace.com/vegas_law

Scott Tissue Paper Purchasers Hate Own Ass

2006 votes: Researchers have arrived at the consensus that all consumers of the world's chintziest paper product are possessed with a deep hatred for anuses - specifically, their own. Scientists look forward to a year of studying the direct correlation between this phenomenon and the tendency for these people to own/manage office buildings. More information is available here.

Growing + Groveling

2006 Voted: 'year-of-manchild-welcome-to-full-manhood'!
No more baby shit!! wOOt!!!

this just in!

2006 votes: Miss America pageant 'too stupid' for actual television airtime. Big deal, so a 'sooner' won this year.

water cooler verdict

2006 votes: Co-worker's conversation with wife about large burrito he shared with a colleague for lunch is "too stupid". Please file for divorce immediately.

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