Slow Walkers Banned from NYC

New York, NY -- A 2006 court ruling decided this morning that slow walking people are no longer allowed in the city. Slow walkers are defined as the elderly, cripples, people pushing strollers and the non-walking babies inside, dogs on long retractable leashes, confused tourists, chatting women, the obese using stairs, and businesswomen wearing uncomfortable high heels and carrying several bags. Others can be added to this definition at any moment and with no notice or warning. Defiance of this law will result in double amputation.